"However, that place deep within our spirit where we hide away our freedom can be integrated into our various responsibilities with an honest admission that there is more to us than the things we do, the roles we play, and the needs we fill. We can allow those “other” aspects of self to surface and shine. If we chose not to fear the unknowns of the ocean, setting ourselves adrift into ourselves, we just may find that those around us will find healing - healing through the touch of a free woman."
Now, if only my dear friend Erin can teach me to do this. If I were to be honest, I'd ask what if there is no room for the rest of me in my life? The things I do, the roles I play, and the needs I fill seem to take up 110% as it is.
15 comments:
"The things I do, the roles I play, and the needs I fill seem to take up 110% as it is."
EXACTLY!
And it isn't like I think the world will end without me. But I do know what WILL end:
Laundry
Dinners cooked from scratch, not from a box nor a fast food fryer
Homework
Any semblance of a neat house
Those aren't whines - those are just facts. The thing that keeps me doing all I do in the house is simple, and it has to do with a failing of mine, I am sure, which is simply this - I am not willing to live at the same level of chaos and mess as the others in the house are, not even if it meant more "freedom" for me. Because then I'd be free, but living in a hovel with piles of dirty laundry, unwashed dishes and kids repeating the fourth grade. No thanks.
Oh, that sounded rather angry, didn't it? Some days I am. Most I just do what has to be done, because it has to be done. "Servant mind" and all that.
And then of course, just minutes after I posted that comment, Chris shares this in Google Reader:
Dear Martha
:o)
Well, I'm sorry you guys didn't like it. ;-)
The idea isn't necessarily about the things I do (or don't do) but about who I am. If I find that life's demands are preventing me from being honest about what is important to me or what motivates me, I become caught up in portraying myself as something I'm not AND people will have expectations of me that I cannot fill. But it doesn't mean I should avoid my responsibilities. I don't think saying that my responsibilities are NOT the sum total of who I am results in not cooking dinner.
If that makes any sense.
jim- yeah, I struggle with those conflicts too. and the martha thing. thanks a bunch for bringing THAT up.
erin- it isn't just the time constraints I mean. It's that it almost seems that "who I am" is more than 100% of me and I don't know how to reconcile that. I and I aren't always compatible. So sometimes I do hide behinds the parts of me that I know what to do with. The other parts are nebulous and scary- like they might just swallow me if I gave them half a chance.
if ithat makes any sense...
"I and I"? Cindy's a Rastafarian! Who knew? :o)
Seriously, what you said in your comment makes ALL KINDS of sense to me!
I guess I don't follow. :(
Which part? Cindy's comment or mine? My joke about Rastafarianism?
jim-
good! not that your agreement reassures me of my sanity, but at least i have a little company where I am. :-)
yeah e-
which part?
I feel like we're comparing apples and oranges. I'm talking about personal identity and spirit, you and Jim are talking about time and responsibilities. I guess I don't quite understand what you guys are getting out of my article that has anything to do with with those things; because that's not what I was talking about at all.
Erin,
I guess for me there is no separation between "personal identity and spirit" and "time and responsibilities". For so long I have built "who I am" around "what I do" that if I take the "what I do" out of the equation, then I don't know who I am.
It's not like I want to be this way. Somehow, a rather carefree ne'er-do-well has become someone whose entire adult life has been supporting other people - emotionally, financially, domestically. And frankly it rankles. But here's the deal - when left to my own devices I usually do very little.
Sure, I have hopes and dreams, but realistically they fade with every passing day, month and year, always sublimated to supporting the hopes and dreams of the rest of the household.
Whatever.
I am glad you have found yourself in all this. It is an inspiration. But I look at how to map such a transformation into my own life and all I see is blocked doors and frustrations. And I AM whining about it, because all along the way I have voluntarily made and supported the decisions that have gotten me to this place. I have made commitments to support others and pulling back on those now would be disruptive, destructive and dishonest.
Sigh. Can we talk about something else? :o)
And for me I think the two are entirely separable, even if they are interdependent. For so long I was caught in a place where they weren't but eventually had to find a way to separate them or lose myself.
But again, I'm not saying that shirking or ignoring our responsibilities has anything to do with what I'm talking about. Of course that would be irresponsible and immature. I'm not suggesting anyone stop doing what they must do.
It's a mental and emotional separation, an admission that while I am in this place of life, it is not the entirety of who I am. I can still fill the roles while holding aside a place in me that is mine.
But I'm not trying to be difficult...I'm sorry if it seems that way. The article I wrote wasn't meant to be a systematic answer, but an inspiration piece.
And it was inspirational!
"It's a mental and emotional separation, an admission that while I am in this place of life, it is not the entirety of who I am. I can still fill the roles while holding aside a place in me that is mine."
I can agree with that and think I even do it myself. My issue is the me that is held aside? That me is pretty fucking lonely, because the only thing everyone else sees is the me that is fulfilling some sort of duty at home, work, church, whatever.
Anyway, I am in a bad space today - don't worry, what you said was beautiful and inspiring. It is me that is the problem.
I have been grouchy/sensitive the last two days, Jim, so it's me that is the problem, too.
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