Teach me to Pray... Again?

Synchroblog- How Do You Pray?

A couple of weeks ago I laid the truth out to God. “Lord, I don’t know how to pray anymore.”

It was one of those moments when I’d have given my eye tooth to hear God’s voice audibly, because I’d love to just once hear him say, “’Ya think?”

I knew it. He knew it. But I hadn’t admitted it to either of us. Not knowing how to pray isn’t one of those things you admit to when you’re part of the protestant/evangelical church (never mind being on staff).

I was one of the up and coming spiritual (lay) leaders of our last church. I knew how to say all the right things, study the right things, and hang out (oops- I mean fellowship) with the right people. I taught on prayer. I led prayer. I instituted special prayer times. I knew prayer.

And I did plenty of it. I prayed with a journal. I prayed on my knees. I prayed for hours on end. I prayed at the altar. I prayed through the scripture. I stuck little prayer cards on my mirror and in my car. I prayed with spiritual sounding words that intimidated others into thinking they didn’t know how to pray.

A funny thing happened on the way to where I am today. I realized that some or all or most of that praying I’d been doing- the way I was doing it and with the attitude in my heart- was nonsense designed to impress others and make me feel spiritual.

So either abruptly or over time I’m not sure—

I stopped.

I know He’s there. He knows I’m here. That has been enough for me lately.

I never stopped interceding. It’s easy to pray for others. I don’t use a lot of words, but those prayers are sincere and I know God hears them. Why can’t it be that easy to pray about the other things on my heart?

In some ways I miss the old prayer times when I felt so close to God--when I felt that I could hear his answers in my mind. Now I find myself wondering if any of those impressions were real or if I somehow created them in order to complete an experience I was desperate to have. I hate these doubts, but it seems I’ll be living with them for a while longer.

Now when I start to pray, I freeze up. I’m so afraid I’ll fall into the old habits and just be making noise (like a clanging cymbal?). I’m waiting to find a groove again - a prayer groove in which I don’t doubt my own sincerity.

Some of you will be wondering if I pray in song. The answer is sometimes. Perhaps that's why I can be okay with this place of limbo, because some of the songs I sing do, in fact, speak my heart to God. They aren't my words, but of course that doesn't matter.

I never doubt that God knows me through and through. I never doubt that He’ll provide--even though I don’t know how to voice my needs, concerns or feelings. I know that He’ll wait with me until I settle back into some kind of prayer that works.

So right now prayer for me looks and sounds like simple faith. I don't know--maybe that's not so bad.