I used to have something to say. I taught in church all the time. I had some answers. I loved researching the Bible for answers to questions. I loved it when the answers fit together in a nice tidy package.
Over the last 10 years that tidy package has disappeared. I rarely teach. I rarely research questions. I do my best to keep my mouth shut when we’re at church. When I veer from singing and try to say something during worship or Sunday school, I almost always regret it. I don’t fit at church (any that I know of) anymore. Neither do I fit out of church.
The emerging church conversation has also become difficult for me of late, because in my world it’s all purely ideological. I can only live out emerging church ideals privately- which I think I was doing long before I ever heard the words emerging church.
Theological conversations have their place, and I’m thankful for those of you who engage in them so adeptly. I, however, cannot theologize for long. I’m too concrete. If it means anything to you, I’m an ISTJ. Best I can tell, that practically disqualifies me from the emerging church conversation.
When I read many of your blogs I feel out of place. Not only can I not theologize, I’m not urban; I’m pastoral/rural and quite happily so. Missional living for me is teaching my daughter at home and being the team mom for her soccer team. We give as much money as we can to various ministries and services. To me that isn’t missional. It’s just stewardship. I don’t (to revisit a thought from yesterday) feel that I’m contributing anything worthwhile to the emerging church conversation, although I am quite indebted to many of you who’ve been a lifeline for me over the last 2 years.
Like it or not (most often not these days), God has given me a heart for the Church. A Church which I, like many of you, see dying. Some of my greatest frustrations are with (Church) people who confuse faithfulness with closed mindedness, piety with hatred, and community with cloistering.
The history of the world and our faith is full of people who felt out of place and out of time. Right now, those are the people with whom I feel the most kinship.
About Me
- Cindy
- Married 26 years to Keith. We're parents to a fantastic 12 year old whom I homeschool. We live in the country about 25 miles south of Montgomery, Alabama. We have a horse named Wrangler and a dog named Mickey. Keith and I currently lead worship music at our church.
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26 comments:
Cindy,
I see myself in your words -- I don't seem to fit in church anymore, and I'm not sure I'm contributing much to the conversation. My prayer this year has been to find some fellow-travelers on this road -- as you put it, out of place and out of time. I'd love to meet some locally, so that we could actually sit face to face in some appropriately hip cafe. But failing that, a few online voices crying (on each others' shoulders) in the wilderness might be nice.
Thanks for putting it into words, Cindy. It's very painful to me to see it written out, but I'm there, too.
Maria and Randall, thank you so much for taking time to comment. It does help, in a painful sort of way, to know I'm not alone. If California and Alabama were just a wee bit closer, Maria, we'd have that coffee.
Randall, if you have a blog, I'd love to visit.
You know your blog doesn't have to be highly theological or ideological to be good or worthwhile.
I love to hear about how your faith infects your life, however that may be. Don't give up.
I appreciate your candor here Cindy. I understand what you're going through, because I have felt that about my church recently...until now...when my church is in process to merge with another small church, and we both see the possibilities for renewal as one united body in this suburban church.
The hardest thing to learn has been patience in this process. Perhaps God is continuing to refine you, and patience is part of that process. I know it's not easy, because I've fought it myself in recent months.
I also don't think you need to be urban (or suburban) to be missional. The fact that you are out in your community with your daughter is missional, because you are representing Christ to anyone who might not be a believer.
Good, honest post, Cindy!
Wow, one of your "best" posts ever. I connected with what you shared. Thanks for your honesty.
Peace,
Jamie
Thanks Lily, Andy, and Jamie.
Andy, I sure hope God is continuing to refine me. If he isn't, I'm in big trouble. Patience- now that's another thing entirely.
Jamie, I'd be interested in knowing which parts of my post you connected with.
Cindy,
There is so much I want to say here. I've been thinking about your post since I first read it. But as an INTJ, I'm still analyzing and processing my thoughts. ;)
From ENFP (that doesn't surpise you does it?)
I think what you have posted is the story of the church altogether. The church was born out of conflict and it seems to always live in conflict (no, i'm not talking about with church members) - but rather how to be in the world but not of the world! that is the creative tension we live in. thank god you are struggling with that rather than accepting the status quo. martin luther struggled with this, dietrich bonhoffer struggled with this, c.s. lewis did, as well as every critical thinking person who has asked, "is this what god intended?" the church should always be in transition, always be in conflict, always be adjusting, tweeking and restless with current operations. to do otherwise is to be irrelevant.
and it doesn't always have to be super deep and theological. is there room for conversation about which is better, coke or pepsi? :-)
some of your best writing has to do with cupcake the horse. weave a tapestry of all things, for when god created them in genesis he said, "this is good!"
just a few thoughts from the friendliest city in the south.
kj
Grace- You can have all the time you need to process those thoughts! I look forward to hearing them.
kj- I never thought about it. You know Keith is ENFP too. That explains a lot. Like why I have a burning desire to run screaming from the building when you guys get together! ;-)
So glad you're in favor of my intense personal conflict! It is nice to be included in the same paragraph with Luther, Bonhoeffer, and Lewis, though, even if it was only to make a point.
The emergent conversation has made many of us thirsty to the point of madness. We're thirsty for the water Jesus said will satisfy while we are left to drink the water that does not seem to satisfy.
I identify with what you're sharing and share a similar pain to your own. I long for a change but the majority of those around me, particularly those in leadership, will only go so far before shrinking back to the status quo.
I have to believe that God is doing something bigger here. He is preparing an army of change-agents who will soon be healthy enough to strike out toward the oasis. I can already smell the water and can't wait until God cuts me loose to get it.
Cindy,
I really think the stewardship of the responsiblities and people in our lives is an aspect of being missional. In fact, I think that we are called to fulfill those responsibilities first and foremost before we attempt to take on other "spiritual work."
However, I think there is also an aspect of learning to think and live missionally that pushed us beyond our comfort zone and requires us to change our seeing of the world around us. There isn't really a "right" way of doing that because it is so specific to our individual contexts.
I think you've touched on some important feelings and ideas in this post. I've linked to it on my blog today, along with links to Heidi Daniels, who is saying similar things, and Randy McRoberts, who says it as only he can. :)
Thanks, Grace. good words as always.
Jeff- it's nice to meet you. I want so badly to believe that God is preparing us for something. My frustration level is a bit over the top right now. I'm sure I'll balance back out eventually. By the way, when I click on your bio link I get a crazy "WordPress database error". Thanks for stopping by.
I've been wondering what's happened to you. Good post. I, too, appreciate your honesty, and I can relate to your statement about feeling out of place and out of time (or out of step?). At 54 it seems strange to not have anything to say, and answers not fitting together like they use to, but that's where I find myself. And I see several others in the same situation, you included.
As we journey on, may the peace of God continue to annoint us as He sees fit.
B~
Bruce, thank you. I know - and have known- that you don't feel like you have much to say. Please believe me when I say that what you write, on your blog or in comments elsewhere, tends to have a calming effect on me. I can't explain why, but I thought you should know. (From reading comments at your blog, I don't think I'm alone it that, either.)
thanks for your thoughts - there is something very true about life in these transitional times were none of us really fit - maybe that's why some people take refuge in church or just quit and take refuge in the world - we can't stand the tension so we've made our choice to live out one certainty or other.
How we start living out an other cented life that reflects the image that we are created in and now lies fractured is something that encourages me. Maybe cos i don't understand it fully so ignorance is bliss ;)
Paul- you're right it is a very uncomfortable tension. Hard to choose to stay in the middle of it. Thanks for coming by!
Cindy,
Thanks for this. I think I can relate to how you feel, though I still want to disagree with parts... I don't think missional is an urban phenomenon. In fact, I think one key to being missional in an urban setting is to act they way people have always acted in rural ones... so you have much to say and to teach. Your examples of missional sound about right to me - and if they seem like "normal life" then I'd say that's about right too. (See the article of mine which Allelon just published.)
While I'm living in the suburbs at the moment, I would personally leap at the chance to get out of the city - 25 miles sounds about right - and into a place where I could see the stars again, and have room for a horse. (Memories of bygone days for me.)
As for being displaced and feeling like the church is dying... man, can I relate.
Brother Maynard, thanks for your reassurance. Feeling out of place isn't a logically formulated position for me. I can reason out what missional means for me(encouragement is always welcome!), but, even as someone who habitaully rejects most bandwagons out of hand, I find that I still have a need to fit in somewhere. That's why I sought out and found the emerging conversation in 2004. I suppose the feeling of not fitting in here(there?)now as well is why my level of frustration has risen so sharply in recent months.
As for rural living, it keeps me sane and grounds me.
I can relate to a lot of what you say. Hang in there - I'm learning that God is in the mess. I really appreciate the honesty.
Thanks darryl.
Cindy - thanks for the reply, I really appreciate your words of encouragement. And I agree with Bro Maynard, you are living missionally in your rural setting - missional living is living as Christ, wherever we are.
Journey on sister.
B~
Hi Cindy
I came over here via Grace's blog. I understand what you are going through. I think we all bring our own unique thing to the conversation, but, like you, I struggle in terms of theology etc. Your words have really inspired me to write my own post - thanks for that.
thanks, lyn. i'll be stopping by your blog regularly.
I realize I am a little late to this conversation, and I cannot really add anything past what has been said, but I just wanted to thank you for this post. I feel like I am in a similar struggle. On one hand I love our church, but I find myself continually asking, "is this really what God has called us to?"
There are many times I wish I could return to the self that seems not that far away, that was happy to go to church and volunteer and feel like I was doing what needed to be done. But it is like my eyes have been opened, and even if I try to close them now the images are already burned into my mind.
So I live in this tension. I am no theologian, no pastor, just an ordinary, run of the mill guy trying to figure out what I am suppose to be doing.
So I am thankful for people like you and post like this that you are willing to share to at least make me feel like I am not alone. Not just some insane dissident opposed to church, but someone who loves the church and wants to see it reach it's full potential. So thank you again for your blog and this post in particular.
Welch, I so appreciate your comment. It does sound like we're on the same page. Also- I have to respect a guy who has the guts to admit right on his bio page that he likes Spam. :-)
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